It took me more than 20 years to finally learn how to be okay with me as a person as well as being alone. No, not just sitting in a room alone but with going out to do things and also dealing with single life.
One of two goals I've had since I was young was to get married. Most of my life was spent trying to please everyone else and searching for someone who wanted to be with me. I surrendered to anyone who asked and dated tons of people I wasn't even interested in. After I got in one of these forced relationships I'd realize, "why the hell am I dating this person?" I tried to break it down and all I could come up with was "they wanted me."
Because of the way I was raised, I thought that relationships were built around sex. If you weren't doing something sexual with the person you were with then that was the equivalent of having no relationship. If they don't make a pass regularly then they don't like you. I had severely damaged self-esteem and only fleetingly felt confident when I was asked out by guys. Due to yet unknown lesbianism, I had little fear of rejection by boys, and therefore had the confidence to try to wrangle them (passively, anyway). I quickly found out that I feared the confrontation that may happen upon breaking up so I often stayed with them until I couldn't take it anymore and then ignore them completely until they got the hint.
Once I realized I actually wanted women it became particularly torturous for me. Stuff that 12 year old girls do with their first crush, I did with my first crush at 17. Screaming when I saw them, giggling/rambling like a maniac about them, and just the obsession. My friends, having already gone through that annoying stage themselves, were not amused. Throw having zero confidence into the mix and it was crippling. I was like a paralyzed person who fell and couldn't get to the phone for help, a lot of reaching and desperation but nothing was to come of it. I had no idea that I was holding myself back. It was in a way I didn't expect. I had no self-respect.
I always heard, "you have to learn to love yourself before you can love others" from anyone and everyone. I just couldn't get it. I thought I did love myself. Sort of. Kind of. A little. How do you love yourself?
As I mentioned in another blog, one of the first things that really made me realize how to love myself was when I was doing a "loving kindness" exercise during my research on Buddhism. It said to imagine all the love in the world as a wave or light. Imagine it washing over the people you love, those you hate, your city, your state, the world... then just you. I imagined a carbon copy of me, giving myself a hug and a comforting, "I know you're trying, I'm here for you". I wept so hard. These were words that never touched my ears. I'm tearing up just remembering it.
I figured it out but hadn't realized it. Imagine you as your forgiving and understanding best friend who is going to be next to you every step of the way for the rest of your life. Respect, care for, and nurture that carbon copy of yourself. Forgive yourself. Life’s a learning process and everyone fucks up from time to time. You need to have this basic inner support system.
Once you love yourself, you really start to form as a person. You figure out who you are and what you need. Which is what happened to me.
I had a mental break a few years ago. I was broken up with, kicked out of the house by my uncle, and had a sexual assault as a cherry on top. When I tried to confide in others what happened, including family, they told me I brought it upon myself. I no longer hated me but I absolutely hated everyone else. I decided "screw everyone, it's just me alone. I do not want anyone to make me happy." It was severe but at the time it was better to be alone.
I had a lot of healing to do
and catching up on who I was as a person. When depressed, I used to hole up,
listen to music and write. I'd just keep dwelling. But since I found out how to love myself, I had the confidence to go out and do things alone. Eventually I gained better friends because I turned to people who respected me. I'd go do things by myself one day and hang out with friends the next. I learned to balance the two. It was extremely empowering and I finally felt like myself with zero pressure.
There's such a weird stigma in society about being alone. We have to be constantly "living life to the fullest" doing fun and exciting things with friends or family.
I remember being 9 and struggling to make friends. Barney was on TV singing, "all you need is friends!" I sobbed knowing that I had failed at getting the one thing the world told me was all I needed. Really it was just a kid show but I didn't know. I took everything literally and while everyone on TV had a gaggle of friends, I couldn't get anyone to show up to my birthday parties.
I worked in an amusement park and could ride all the rides for free. I was constantly asked by the puzzled ride attendants, "you're here alone?!" I've heard the same when I went ziplining, to the movies, clubs, theaters, concerts, restaurants, and even bars (I thought single people went to bars sometimes?). They look at you dumbfounded, jaws dropped and demanding, "why?" Why the hell not? Sometimes I want to do things no one else wants to do. Do you think that's going to stop me from doing it? Of course not. It began to feel weak of me to be unable to do things without someone holding my hand. It's horrific how crippled we are to step foot outside our houses without having to constantly talk to someone. Texting, Facebook, Twitter, anything. It shouldn’t be uncomfortable for you to put your phone down and not talk to anyone for a day. How did we become so manufactured to be unable to function or be a part of the world unless someone else is there to validate the experience?
I believe alone time is critical, even if you're in a relationship. I love my wife to death and living (and working) together is never a chore but I still believe you still need a day to be you. She sang in a band but now is too embarrassed to sing (even in front of me), but when one of us has the day off while the other works, she'll tell me about the awesomely loud singing session she had. When I'm alone I get to dance around all silly, play videogames for hours, meditate, or blog (like today.) I feel like I can focus on expending energy the way I want without having to worry if she's bored, irritated or feeling left out.
When around others, subconsciously, guards are in place. There's pressure to interact and be socially acceptable. Sometimes we just need a break to let the mind relax. To not have to worry about minding your P's and Q's in a conversation. You can be exactly who you are. Taking time to reconnect with your best friend; you. Console and mend any mental wounds. Take some down time to gain footing before you launch back into the world of making your wife blush, your friends laugh, your family comfortable, or keeping your boss pleased.