I had to lose everything in order to learn how to love myself. I was co-dependent to the max. I took pride in being the tortured, bleeding heart in the relationship. I live for you, I die for you. I wanted to be a real life Romeo. I didn't know how destructive this could be.
My wife and I were discussing how the media really shapes how we think things should be. Romanticizing these desperately deep infatuations. Somehow we look past the tragic suicide ending of Romeo and Juliet. Killing yourself for another person? That's about as destructive as it comes. Why couldn't they have just told their parents to go to hell like any other teenager? Depressed Romeo, writing poetry by his lonesome becomes obsessed with Juliet because she makes him feel something. Why do we give so much power to other people? Another person should never be given the responsibility of fulfilling someone's happiness. Humans are oblivious and fickle creatures. They're prone eventually doing and/or saying something that will hurt you. You need a sense of security with yourself so you're unaffected. This is why people say that you need to love yourself before others. You want to cut me down? Well, then I don't need that because they won't allow me to grow.
I was raised by a young mom who thought that saying she loved me or hugging me meant that she was a creepy gay pedophile. I grew up thinking that someone saying "I love you" was reserved for special, intimate relationships. I had zero self-esteem. I absolutely relied on others to make me happy. After 23 years of being ditched, looked down upon, and cast out, it finally clicked. I told myself, "well... I know I'm a good person. This life has repeatedly tried to make me see that no one will be there for me. Screw everyone, I'm going to be there for me. I am all that I have. No matter what happens, I'm stuck with me until my last breath. I'm going to take care of me."
I became completely self-reliant. I did everything alone. Even the things that most people found uncomfortable to do by themselves. It was fun and made me happy. Why set limitations on what I could do merely because I didn't have someone to do it with? Before, when I went to the movies and people questioned me about going alone, I felt self-pity. Now, I just wonder, "why do you think I need someone to sit next to me in order to watch my favorite movie?"
I was in the middle of feeling completely self-sufficient when I met my wife. I was drawn to her for so many reasons but different than what I used to look for. In the past, I wanted a woman who exuded sexuality and could put me in my place. I wanted someone who liked all the same bands, books and movies I did. This was not at all what I needed in my life.
What I loved was that she had gone through hardships but didn't let them define her as a person or get in the way of her success. It was extremely admirable to me since it had been the opposite for me. I wanted to learn how she did it and help heal myself. I read her poetry and was attracted to her voice. It seemed very similar to mine in my writings. We understood and appreciated each others' art which was something very important to me. She is patient, understanding and always hungry for more information about the world. This was the perfect person for me to grow with. She could support me at my lowest lows and play with me during the highs. I would do the same for her.
I chose my wife. I love her and decided that I wanted her on my team for the rest of my life. She didn't stifle me as a person. She helped me change, but in good ways. Her patience and understanding taught me to be calm and more communicative. Her striving for excellence despite what she had gone through led me to forgive my mother and heal old wounds. I was okay with being on my own. My wife just made me whole by teaching me how to fix the cracks.
Her thoughts? "'Be an unstable mess or I won't believe that you care'? It's selfish. It's ego. If someone is a crutch to keep someone else alive, that means the best possibility is basic survival. But when both people can stand/survive alone then you are a source of joy and experience and growth. I don't want to be capable of killing you and I don't want you to feel responsible for keeping me alive. It's not fair. We should enhance each other's lives and happiness and that 'I'll die without you' crap doesn't do anyone any good."